Here We Go Again

Regardless of how much I want to be free of thinking about Liam I can’t. Even before I sat to blog this post my horoscope for the day suggested my romantic interest was flaky. We are not into each other anymore; however, seeing that horoscope made me think of all the warning signs. He was a flake…even then.

We work together. I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone or be attracted to someone and not have them reciprocate those feelings. I’m the queen of unrequited love. I did like him from the start; he was cute and sweet. Even now he’s still cute and sweet. He does have a daughter. I’m iffy about men with kids especially because his daughter’s mother is still into him. That chapter for them I believe still isn’t over. I discovered all this after I allowed myself to become attached. Back to unrequited love, I wanted to give that chance to someone I was initially attracted to.

For a moment the attraction was magical. Even though men with kids make me iffy, it didn’t matter because he was sweet. As time went on, I started to feel as though I weren’t enough. He made a passing comment about his daughter’s mother. He said, “My daughter’s mother she keeps breaking my heart.” It was the fact he said it in present tense. That’s when my feelings for him started to recede. He been a paradox to my heart ever since. I am enchanted and disenchanted with him at the same time.

Now we’re in this weird love/hate stare down. Me being me I readily forgave him. He however avoids me at all costs even though I’m okay with just being friends.  Once again I’m in this weird position where my attraction to a guy ends awkwardly and I’m okay with that but he’s not. As the queen of unrequited love, this is nothing new. My brain when it thinks of Liam screams “Here we go again!”

The strangeness of it all is I would readily go through it again.  With all of his flaws I was accepting of him because I have my own flaws. The plus is with my accepting attitude I will easily find someone new. I guess what I’m getting at is, the next time my brain says “Here we go again, ” it should be with a smile.

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Haunted by Dream World

I had the scariest dream. It wasn’t scary in visuals but more in the mood. I’m so fascinated by dreams. Some believe dreams are windows to our subconscious. I don’t know what I believe but I do think the brain can create something interesting when given free range. Due to that belief, I love to dissect and talk about my dreams as if they were reality.

This dream I had in particular dealt with some real fears of mine–fear of being disregarded, fear of being forgotten, and fear of being invisible. It played on everything I thought was avoiding well…or so I thought. This year hasn’t been the greatest in my adult years. (Luckily, I’m still young so it should go up from here.) As I’ve tried to better myself mentally, emotionally, and financially I keep having setbacks, one being laid off from my job. Financial stability and independence is the very vein of my work ethic.

Back to my dream. I was a normal functioning adult and the next I was in a hospital room. The diagnosis was brain cancer. I remember hearing the diagnosis and crying and being anxious. My dream felt like reality. I remember my heart beating as if it were trying to run away from my body. It was like my heart knew it wasn’t strong enough to deal with the diagnosis. When I awoke all my senses were heightened.

The worst part about it was the knowing my body was gonna break down with brain cancer. My mother and sister were there while I was going through treatment (remember, this is all a dream). The moment that stuck out to me the most was when someone asked my why  I was crying and my mother automatically answered, “She’s fine.” It made me think of all the times someone disregarded me in real life–moments when I was really down and they shook it off because it wasn’t them. It made me think of all the times I was forgotten while standing right in front of someone’s face. It made me thinks of all the times I spoke and no one listened. It’s haunting that a dream knows how and where to strike to make one feel emotion.

It’s a strange world–dream world. My grandmother used to always say we are a cancer family…cancer shows up in my dream. I thrive emotionally and mentally on being independent and here I was dependent upon other people in my dream. In dream world my thought was when I get better I’m gonna take risks and be daring. I can’t die living as I am. I awoke to find myself having the same idea–I need to take more risks and be more daring.

Do I throw caution to the wind? Do I complete what I started? (To most completing what you started isn’t much of a risk. However it takes patience to follow through when it’s so easy to quit.) Do I attempt start anew with new places, new faces? Do I keep going as I am with no desire to change? (Desire in and of itself is a fascinating topic.) I pose all of these as questions because when a dream spooks me I start to reevaluate myself. Whether I believe dreams to be the window to my subconscious or not, there’s no denying it knows intimate aspects about me without me telling it. And they definitely know how to motivate me better than most.

Binary Feelings

There’s no avoiding Liam. We work together. Even when I find myself not thinking about him he appears. It’s one of the most frustrating aspects about working with an almost potential boyfriend. When the love interest is no longer interested, everything is awkward. Even when I’m attempting to be friendly it comes off as awkward.

To exasperate the affiliation are the binary feelings. I know he’s emotional. That’s what attracted me to him on a deeper level. Yes, I found him physically attractive. He was tall, brown, and gorgeous. Need I say more? However those sweet moments of him as a person are what captivated me. Today when I saw him at work, I couldn’t help but think How’s he doing? I know it’s a strange thought since we are no longer on those terms. It’s weird to be into him and not into him at the same time. It’s like even though I still care about him I’m not as invested in his emotions as before. Before I would want to make him happy. Now not so much.

All these thoughts went through my head at once when I saw his face. I will state the more I see his face the more these binary feelings get conjured up. There’s this strong part of me that is over him and another apart of me that says but remember…. It’s that part that also thinks how is he alright with things the ways are between us. Then I remember he’s not, which is why he goes out of his way to avoid me. My brain and my heart have different responses to that revelation.

Liam on a Sunday Evening

I woke today like I have every Sunday for the past “x” amount of years. Today I wanted to do something new, something different. I made this grandiose list of things I was gonna accomplish. It contained things like “create bullet journal, journal, [and] make a budget.” The only thing I accomplished was to journal. And boy was that an eye opener.

See, I have managed to lie to myself and those around me about being over a guy. I’ll call him “Liam.” (Which by the way is a name I love. I find it to be masculine and sweet at the same time.) Liam was what I was attracted to physically. He was tall, brown, and gorgeous. He was very in touch with his feelings, which I find to be extremely attractive in men. I don’t know if it’s because I have been taught to have an aversion to my own feelings, so I like other people’s. Or maybe I’m attracted to anything moody–men, colors, style. Whatever the reason, discovering he was an emotional creature made me all the more attracted to him.

We were both into each other. However, we’ve stopped talking because he said “we’d be better off as coworkers” and that he didn’t want to catch feelings. When I started to journal I thought it’d be like when I did it as a teenager. I would write poems and short stories while playing with writing styles.  I forgot it also conjured up all these emotions just the same as it did before. I was never explicit with my feelings the way I was with this journal. I only recently started to journal to deal with the emotional stress of adulthood. (Which I am enjoying except for some minor bumps along the way.)

As time went on and I started to get into my “feels,” I knew I was not as over him as I would have liked to be. I had invested a lot of head space into one person with the intent of turning it into something more. I also acknowledge Liam will definitely be a topic I will explore more. There are layers there.

I guess the hard part was once I started writing I only could think of all the sweet messages we had sent to each other, the cute things we would say to each other, and the sneaky glances when no one was looking. Maybe one day I’ll focus less on the sweetness and more on what went wrong. As I look at my journal that reads “Faith Hope Love” I feel it’s the sweetness that will propel me into a relationship and not into feelings, feelings that only let me down.