Haunted by Dream World

I had the scariest dream. It wasn’t scary in visuals but more in the mood. I’m so fascinated by dreams. Some believe dreams are windows to our subconscious. I don’t know what I believe but I do think the brain can create something interesting when given free range. Due to that belief, I love to dissect and talk about my dreams as if they were reality.

This dream I had in particular dealt with some real fears of mine–fear of being disregarded, fear of being forgotten, and fear of being invisible. It played on everything I thought was avoiding well…or so I thought. This year hasn’t been the greatest in my adult years. (Luckily, I’m still young so it should go up from here.) As I’ve tried to better myself mentally, emotionally, and financially I keep having setbacks, one being laid off from my job. Financial stability and independence is the very vein of my work ethic.

Back to my dream. I was a normal functioning adult and the next I was in a hospital room. The diagnosis was brain cancer. I remember hearing the diagnosis and crying and being anxious. My dream felt like reality. I remember my heart beating as if it were trying to run away from my body. It was like my heart knew it wasn’t strong enough to deal with the diagnosis. When I awoke all my senses were heightened.

The worst part about it was the knowing my body was gonna break down with brain cancer. My mother and sister were there while I was going through treatment (remember, this is all a dream). The moment that stuck out to me the most was when someone asked my why  I was crying and my mother automatically answered, “She’s fine.” It made me think of all the times someone disregarded me in real life–moments when I was really down and they shook it off because it wasn’t them. It made me think of all the times I was forgotten while standing right in front of someone’s face. It made me thinks of all the times I spoke and no one listened. It’s haunting that a dream knows how and where to strike to make one feel emotion.

It’s a strange world–dream world. My grandmother used to always say we are a cancer family…cancer shows up in my dream. I thrive emotionally and mentally on being independent and here I was dependent upon other people in my dream. In dream world my thought was when I get better I’m gonna take risks and be daring. I can’t die living as I am. I awoke to find myself having the same idea–I need to take more risks and be more daring.

Do I throw caution to the wind? Do I complete what I started? (To most completing what you started isn’t much of a risk. However it takes patience to follow through when it’s so easy to quit.) Do I attempt start anew with new places, new faces? Do I keep going as I am with no desire to change? (Desire in and of itself is a fascinating topic.) I pose all of these as questions because when a dream spooks me I start to reevaluate myself. Whether I believe dreams to be the window to my subconscious or not, there’s no denying it knows intimate aspects about me without me telling it. And they definitely know how to motivate me better than most.

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