Binary Feelings

There’s no avoiding Liam. We work together. Even when I find myself not thinking about him he appears. It’s one of the most frustrating aspects about working with an almost potential boyfriend. When the love interest is no longer interested, everything is awkward. Even when I’m attempting to be friendly it comes off as awkward.

To exasperate the affiliation are the binary feelings. I know he’s emotional. That’s what attracted me to him on a deeper level. Yes, I found him physically attractive. He was tall, brown, and gorgeous. Need I say more? However those sweet moments of him as a person are what captivated me. Today when I saw him at work, I couldn’t help but think How’s he doing? I know it’s a strange thought since we are no longer on those terms. It’s weird to be into him and not into him at the same time. It’s like even though I still care about him I’m not as invested in his emotions as before. Before I would want to make him happy. Now not so much.

All these thoughts went through my head at once when I saw his face. I will state the more I see his face the more these binary feelings get conjured up. There’s this strong part of me that is over him and another apart of me that says but remember…. It’s that part that also thinks how is he alright with things the ways are between us. Then I remember he’s not, which is why he goes out of his way to avoid me. My brain and my heart have different responses to that revelation.

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